The life and death of yet another version of myself
how many versions of yourself have you mourned?
I will attempt to get this out without feeling or coming across all over the place. But also know that it has to come out, and some pieces might not fit perfectly.
Today is a New Moon in Aries. It is also a solar eclipse. We are still in a retrograde of Mercury and Venus.
Lots of things are happening in the sky and internally.
But here, you all are attending a funeral of yet another version of me. Many of you might not have known the other versions, but they are nonetheless worthy of your attendance at this impromptu service.
I find myself going in a loop for the past few months years. The start of the loop is me in a very confident and self assured position, then as we move clockwise toward 3, I warp through the overthinking tunnel to be spit out at "scrap all this shit" valley around 6. For the rest of the loop, I lie against the fountain of my dreams and my shoulda coulda's woulda's to watch the sun slowly set on who I thought I was morphing into just a few short hours days ago.
POV change to Higher Self
Wow that was dramatic as fuck. This girl is on a spiral every month and frankly I'm sick of her shit. Yes, it is I, Ray's higher self and I must apologize for her tangent. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life and death of yet another version of herself. This one had a good run. It wasn't my most favorite version but honestly, she has yet to become that version.
Today, on this solar eclipse and new moon, we hang our heads in sorrow at the death of version number 555. This one was born February 23 and officially took her last breath March 28. What can I say? After watching all 554 versions live and die, this one, to me, is no different. The human journey is filled with births, deaths, and rebirths. Both internally and externally. I know that my perception of these lives can be different because I've seen them, guided them, and laid them to rest.
Come to think of it, am I the problem? *insert spiritual laugh*
I know, I know, guys, I almost had myself with that one.
It is definitely her fault. Yes, because after all, she's the one with the free will. She's the one on the physical plane. She's the one who is aware, who has walked beneath the veil and still visits that fountain of dreams simply to lie next to it and cry.
Oh, my Cancer emanation. I remember in a previous life when you were a Leo. You allowed yourself to move with so much confidence and ambition. The things you accomplished were impactful. However, it was the emotional depth you lacked during that time. I see why we chose a water sign this time.
Okay, guys, let's get back to it. Ray had a spiritual awakening in 2019, and as a result, she has spent many years moving through many versions of herself. Each is an integral part of who she will become, and each is draining in some way.
I remember when she wanted to do podcasting. Well, the first time. We're on our fourth try.
I remember when she loved blogging. She would consistently write, collaborate, and put herself out there. It was truly a time of extroversion for my girl. Historically, she would stay to herself, but during this period, she honed in on her interpersonal skills.
Then she decided that wasn't where she wanted to be anymore. When I chose this particular emanation of myself, I built in the multi-passionate, multi-dimensional qualities so that I could experience a variety with my creativity. She has so many interests that she can feel guilty for not being able to consistently give her energy to each equally.
Then the first spiritual awakening… omg. We spent two years in mourning for the life we'd lived under the pretense that everything she was taught as a child was true. Moving through the stages of grief for those lives that she lived up until 2019 was rough. So much purging but so much sadness.
Fast forward to last year. She stepped in it badly. Last year alone, there were 87 different versions of her that I had to manage. All needing the one thing I have yet to give her: assurance.
This one here wants assurance so badly. Assurance that she's going in the right direction. Assurance that it will be a smooth journey. Assurance that the right people will be there. Assurance that she isn't wasting her time.
Ever since she had her daughter, she's been real hung up on time. Not wanting to waste it, feeling like there isn't enough or simply standing still while time passes by.
Assurance is the one thing she can't see that she already has. I can't tell her she has it because then the will won't be as free. She won't make her own decisions and learn the lessons I need her to if I tell her that everything will be okay.
Our roles as higher selves are to guide, share insight, and have experiences through our physical selves.
Physical beings have things they MUST learn, understand, and experience. If we give them all the information, they will not receive the real time internal upgrades that need to happen to complete their purpose on this planet.
Free will is taken very seriously in the spirit realm and although I do my best to guide her, some days, she seems to prefer to sit at that fountain. I throw her every possible message there is to let her know that any direction she moves in is the right one. There are no wrong directions in life. Only the refusal to walk.
Sis has been refusing to walk. She refuses to truly allow those other versions to die so that she can emerge as version 590. Don't tell her but she only has 45 more version of herself because she reaches what she's been looking for. I remember one time at the fountain, she was having tea with version 239 and 359. Those girls come back to life every now and then. Although they were the pinnacle of all of them, they need to be fully laid to rest.
I want nothing more than the best for her. For her to see how special she is. For her to acknowledge that there isn't anything more she needs to be. There is so much magic in her being and the things that come so easily to her are the things she needs to invest more time in.
This life isn't meant to be perfect. But it was perfectly designed. If she could truly view each experience as a divine happenstance that is there to help instead of harm, she would maybe not visit that fountain as much.
As we lay version 555 to rest, let's all remember that death is here for a purpose. Just as the snake sheds its skin, so should we shed what no longer serves us.
POV changes back to Ray
I’m gonna go lay down now lol. My higher self came through with the word. I hope this eclipse and retrograde season has brought up some things for you. It was a mirror to show you areas of your being that no longer work for you. If you find yourself especially emotional today, journal your feelings about what is currently happening. Even if it’s super ugly and super uncomfortable, take this opportunity to release and rebirth.
If you’re new here:
Version 556 Ray and Higher Self Ray, this was so so good! I relate on so many levels. Perhaps a water sign thing? Or perhaps also a Leo south node thing. Either way, rest easy 555. Hello all new versions (I believe we met during blog Ray era Lol)